Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
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as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?