“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
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This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.