nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
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I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.