Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
You Might Also Like
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
The government even made aliens boring
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane