hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
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When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
sliding into dms like
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Still a very good boi….
Who wants to be my Valentine?
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.