well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
You Might Also Like
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
This came to me in a dream.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS