*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
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Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
🐕🍷
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…