Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
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My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.