*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
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a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
A collection of me turning into random objects.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Me, in DM rooms…
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.