Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
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Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius