*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
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Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
How to properly lift a body
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]