You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
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You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Everything reminds me of my ex
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable