*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
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A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Always 🥴
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not