This made me chuckle cuz mood
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[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.