I’m more of a homeless romantic.
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Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?