What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
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I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.