Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
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“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Important
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this