Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
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I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.