The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
You Might Also Like
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley