“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
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People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.