My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
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That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.