[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
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My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?