Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
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I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow