My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
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The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”