Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
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At Walmart during the holidays like..
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors