The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
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guys I’m going home
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very