I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
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*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Perfect
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking