“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
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Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret