lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
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We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
So inspired right now.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.