When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
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“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.