Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
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[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”