I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
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No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Yep.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Twitter remains undefeated
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO