In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
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I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
mood
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10