“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
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I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search