I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
You Might Also Like
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
So we got a goldfish…
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.