after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
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dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES