At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
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Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.