While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
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Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me: