Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
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I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
finally found a reasonable question
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
lmao
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes