an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
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I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
it be like that
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.