Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
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Make your daily standup meeting shorter
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
yes yes a thousand times yes!
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.