[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
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Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
When I said I liked it rough.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Tier 3 meme
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.