Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
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What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
thanksgiving in nutshell
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Trumpy Cat
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.