[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
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She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!