A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
You Might Also Like
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Called it
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Smile Twitter, Smile.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.