I like long walks away from everyone
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I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
LOOOOOOL
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin