How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
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Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it