When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
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There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.