My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
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I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Come back with a warrant
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”