Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
You Might Also Like
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.